Riverdale’s favorite freckled redhead Archie Andrews finally grew up and then went and got himself killed, shot to death by one of those evil guns that all too frequently kill innocent people thanks to the lack of adequate gun control laws. Poor Arch may have lived to a riper old age had more restrictive laws not been blocked by nasty conservatives who stupidly believe in the Second Amendment and the unalienable right to protect themselves.
At least he made a politically correct statement by taking a bullet intended for his homosexual bestie, Kevin Keller.
Archie died on Wednesday, shot at Pop Tate’s restaurant in Riverdale while protecting Keller, a politician and advocate for gay rights and gun control. He is survived by his wife, Veronica Andrews, née Veronica Lodge, and by his other wife, Betty Andrews, née Betty Cooper, both of whom are undoubtedly heartbroken over their, and the world’s, loss.
The ever-youthful Mr. Andrews had made a powerful affirmation, however. He clearly showed that gay people are worth dying for and he vividly demonstrated the absolute necessity of getting guns off our streets and out of restaurants if Americans truly wanted to save lives. If there were no guns, he would still be with us.
Of course, Archie isn’t real any more than pro-gun arguments make any sense but, still, it’s a shame he had to shuffle off this mortal coil in the manner he shuffled. I had long longed for the day when he finally chose between the cute blonde Betty and the sultry brunette Veronica until I learned after his passing that he had married them both! Even more traumatic, his many fans never did find out whether his given name was Archibald or if he was baptized just plain Archie!
It’s a crying shame, I tell you, although he made the ultimate sacrifice in a good cause. I mean, Archie saved the life of a gay guy and what could be of greater importance to a comic character than that? After all, he’s been around for almost seventy-four years, (even longer than I have, by the way), so it was time he shuffled off to comic heaven or to wherever such characters go, right?
On Wednesday’s CBS Evening News, reporter Anthony Mason interviewed the comic’s publisher, Jon Goldwater, and asked if Goldwater was “trying to make a political statement” with how Archie met his Maker. Goldwater denied that charge but did say that “gun violence is too prevalent in this country, and we should do everything we can to prevent it” and had earlier suggested on NPR’s Morning Edition that Archie’s violent death was, in fact, a political statement. (http://tinyurl.com/lubybs4)
Since we all know guns and not people kill people, Mr. Goldwater’s comic book will help put an end to that tragedy. What matters is that Archie is gone and we shall never see his like ever again. Now, CBS and NPR can devote themselves to less important news such as the Mideast, Ukraine, and the utter chaos on America’s southern border and kids can laugh again, after they recover from an extended period of mourning.